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Aku Adalah Aku Yang Mengaku-aku Saja - 1

Berada dalam ambang kejenuhan, aku tak pernah merasa berarti apa-apa.

"Bangsat!" terucap penuh dendam pada diri sendiri. "Hei! Kamu mengerti apa tentang aku? Tak perlu mengaku-aku sebagai orang yang mengenalku!" bentakku pada bayangan di cermin yang kusam. Satu hal yang kusadari, semua yang terlihat oleh mata hanyalah bayangan saja, sama sekali tidak nyata!

"Yang asli seperti apa?" teringat dengan pertanyaan seorang dosen kepadaku.

Aku tanya pada diriku sendiri, "Apa bedanya palsu dengan asli? Hanya dua kata berbeda dengan makna berbeda dalam kamus saja. Jangan-jangan makna itu tak ada artinya sama sekali, sama sekali!" tanyaku pada diri sendiri.

Kucoba tenangkan diriku, mencoba meredam dendam kesumat. Tak bisa berkata-kata, diam dalam pengap kamar yang menyesak. Kuhirup udara lembap dan kotor. Kucoba membayangkan keindahan, kubayangkan wajahnya yang kucintai. Tapi tidak bertahan lama aku melamunkannya, langsung terhapus oleh bayangan liar yang membuatku langsung meledak-ledak kembali, sambil memaki-maki bayangan di cermin.

Kutengok gambar seseorang (yang katanya itu adalah gambar Yesuah) yang tertempel di dinding kamar sambil berkata, "Aku kagum denganmu dan aku kagum dengan pengajaran kasihmu, tapi aku muak dengan pengikut-pengikut di duniamu! Semuanya munafik!"

Setelah puas memaki-maki, aku kembali merenung -mungkin sedikit meneteskan air mata. Aku tidak tahu harus mengadu pada siapa, hanya duduk terpenjara dalam kamar berukuran 3x2 yang terkunci rapat tak berventilasi, tidak ada cahaya yang masuk, tidak ada udara yang mengalir dari luar, merasa terhimpit oleh tembok-tembok yang seakan-akan mendekat dan menjadi sempit.

Lelah dengan semua emosi tanpa guna, aku terbaring dalam tempat tidur yang terasa keras -padahal itu tempat tidur busa. Kupejamkan mata, terbayang kembali oleh wajah seorang gadis, sedikit mengobati dan membuatku sedikit nyaman, lalu aku tertidur lelap.

Malam tiba, aku terbangun dengan badan yang lemas -sejak kemarin siang, aku belum makan. Kucoba duduk dan menyandarkan tubuhku di tembok, kembali merenung. Bosan merenung, aku segera ke kamar mandi untuk mencuci mukaku yang sudah kusam, terasa segar, kurendam kepalaku dalam bak mandi selama beberapa detik.

Sebanyak tiga kali kurendam kepalaku, lalu kukeringkan dengan handuk. Perutku terasa keroncongan, tapi aku sedang malas untuk makan. Akhirnya, kubuat secangkir kopi hitam, sedikit membuatku nyaman dalam sunyi dan dinginnya malam itu.
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